by Tim Ryan
Sitting in a hospital room with my son and ex-wife in Virginia a few weeks ago, stress flooded me. I had been on the road for what felt like months, doing everything I could to help those still in struggling with addiction to find hope and lasting recovery. When I finally returned home for a long, restful weekend, a family emergency put me right back on a plane halfway across the country.
During those few days, I never felt the urge to use. But I did feel many other things—emotions ranging from sadness to relief, and gratitude to anger.
As the emergency subsided, I had to remind myself of a concept that is at the heart of my recovery: I am not a victim. So I don’t need to act like one.
A victim says to himself, “This isn’t fair!” and “I shouldn’t have to put up with this crap!” Before long, a voice tells the victim, “Things can’t get any worse. Maybe you should get some relief by (insert drug of choice here.)”
But I am not a victim. Circumstances, neither good nor bad, don’t control me and my recovery.
So when I’m temporarily triggered or overwhelmed, I don’t let the situations win. Instead, I use healthy self-care as part of my lasting recovery.
Here’s what you need to know about self-care so you can practice it regularly to stay strong—
Self-care is part of your recovery
I’ve heard some people say—
- I don’t have time to focus on myself
- When I step out of the battle, there is no one who will step up for me
- If I’m not tired all of the time, I’m not giving enough
That’s garbage, nothing more than ego talking. Don’t confuse self-care with selfishness.
For many of us, recovery involves working a 12-step program. Step 12 is all about taking your gift of recovery and paying it forward. Here’s the kicker: you can’t pay forward what you don’t first possess! Unless you prioritize your own recovery, you can never help another person. Self-care is like putting gas in your car. By keeping your tank full, you’re able to help others. After all, helping others starts with you taking care of yourself.
The right people feed your soul
Think back to the people you spent time with when you were active in your addiction. Fellow addicts, right? It’s nearly impossible to get and stay clean when those around you are using.
Meaningful self-care requires us to surround ourselves with the right people, those that give more than they take. Two of those people for me are my wife, Kirsten, and my youngest daughter, MacKenzie, who I call Princess Mac. No, I don’t expect them to serve me. Kirsten gives to me by simply sitting and sharing a cup of coffee with me, being my sounding-board, or putting up with my erratic schedule. Princess Mac gives to me by laughing, falling asleep on my lap, or playing on her yard swing.
You know you are surrounded by the right people when you are able to relax, be yourself, and stay in the moment without getting pulled into conflict.
Part of recharging involves unplugging
Our lives are full of incessant noise: social media updates from our friends, 24/7 media coverage, requests for help, phone calls, etc. How can we find a slice of quiet in a noisy world? Unplug.
When I returned from Virginia, I called my boss and told him that I would be out for a week. Then I shut off my phones (yes, I have more than one!), turning them on only when I wanted to call someone or take a picture. I kept my focus on two things only: matters requiring urgent attention (like family emergencies) and my family.
Guess what happened? I didn’t miss anything. By taking the time away from all of the noise, I got to invest in my wife, children, parents, loved ones, and closest friends. Instead of being connected to everything and everyone screaming for my attention, I reconnected to those who charge my battery.
No, it’s not always possible to take a day or week off from work to regain your charge. But you can do it in small ways like hitting a meeting, joining a friend first thing in the morning for coffee, or practicing deep breathing. Just make sure you’re phone is off. Stay in the moment. Really be with the people in front of you. Phones have become like new limbs. We’ve become dependent on them to fight boredom, learn new things, and stay connected. Some replace cocaine with a cell phone. Don’t be afraid to disconnect with the virtual world so you can reconnect with the real one.
Every time you get into an airplane, the flight attendants tell you that if the oxygen masks deploys, put your own on first. Why? If you don’t, you become a liability instead of an asset. And if you don’t stay strong, how will you be of any use to anyone else?
By the way, these concepts apply whether or not you’re an addict. Reach out and raise your hand if you need help.
This Wednesday, Tim Ryan spoke with Detective Richard Wistocki, of Besure Consulting, to a crowd of concerned parents and teens. Their presentation, The Cop and Convict, aims to educate viewers on the dangers of addiction and how it can be prevented through technology monitoring.
Some of what they talked about was difficult to listen to. I could not imagine being a parent and going through my child’s phone to see what they had gotten in to. Just being in high school 5-8 years ago and experiencing what I did, I cannot imagine what the next generations of highschoolers will witness with their pocket computers.
But I could also accept the necessity of parents being more involved in their child’s technological life.
Shouldn’t my Life Be Private?
Det. Wistocki repeated throughout the presentation, “There is no such thing as privacy (regarding technology) for a child.” This was difficult for me to swallow. I like my privacy. I enjoy thinking that my conversations with friends are just between us. But, what if these conversations were harmful to me?
What if these conversations between friends were malicious without me knowing? What if these conversations were leading me down the path to addiction, and I did not even know it?
It was powerful to listen to some attendees in recovery talk about how they obtained drugs. One hundred percent of the methods they described involved some form of phone technology.
When I looked at the issue through this lens, it was easier for me to understand why parents should go through their children’s phones. However, it did not take away the cringe-factor of Det. Wistocki pulling up his child’s phone activity at that minute in front of complete strangers.
But that is when it hit me.
The activity on our phones should be innocent enough to be projected on a TV screen. Why should it be cringey to watch your phone activity in front of hundreds of people if you have nothing to hide?
I then realized what was making me uncomfortable.
An Extension of Myself
My phone has become an extension of myself. Just the thought of showing my phone activity feels like exposing what is going on inside my head. It was not just a violation of privacy, it felt like a violation of my being.
This thought frightened me, but I realized this was the purpose of this talk. No matter if we are 14, or 22, we should be using our phones in a way that would make our loved ones proud.
A Change of Heart
By the end of the presentation, my perception of children’s phone privacy had completely changed. And by children, I mean ages 18 and under. I saw first hand the dangers of having the key to world at such a young age, and how it can have horrific effects on our children.
When we look at the opiate epidemic as a whole, it can feel hopeless. However, The Cop and The Convict showed people on Wednesday night what they can do in their own homes to fight. What Tim Ryan has experienced in his lifetime due to drugs and alcohol is unfathomable, but as Det. Wistocki said, this does not have to happen, and we have the power to make it stop.
The majority of AMIRF’s efforts have migrated to timryanspeaks.com. Here we will post blogs, update you on where and when Tim is speaking, and his recent media appearances.
This website is also a great way to reach out to Tim if you are looking for him to speak at one of your events.
Feel free to explore the new website and let us know what you think. We are excited to see what is in store.
Grab your remotes and hop onto the couch, Thursday, Dec. 7, Tim Ryan will appear on popular TV show, “The Doctors” to discuss America’s opiate epidemic.
DATES AND TIMES APPEAR BELOW:
Ryan has been traveling across the United States speaking to individuals about the deadly realities of the opiate epidemic and how we, as a national community, can combat it’s effects.
Tune in on Thursday to hear Tim tell his story, and learn how to arm yourself for the fight against addiction.
Have you ever been in a tug of war?
Your friends are surrounding you. The enemy is on the other side. There is a white ribbon fluttering in the wind as you use every muscle in your body to drag it across a line etched in dirt.
The rope cuts into your hands as an equal and opposing force uses all of its might to swing the ribbon in the other direction.
Feet dug into the dirt, it can feel like every effort you make is powerless over the strength of the opposing team.
Until everything changes.
Something gives, and you feel the weight of everyone’s effort force you back onto your teammates.
Laughing, wiping your hands on your legs, you realize … You won.
Sometimes, when we are knee deep in our struggles, it is difficult to see how our own actions can contribute to the pain we are feeling.
It can feel as if we are in this never-ending tug of war with our addiction/anxiety/depression etc. We are constantly fighting the inevitable waves of emotion and it is difficult not to feel helpless.
Until we realize that we can drop the rope.
We have the power to end this game if we allow ourselves the reprieve of just letting go.
Accepting that we are powerless over our addiction is the first step for a reason. It is impossible to win this fight if we continue to hold on to the rope, never allowing ourselves to take control of our lives.
Although in the game of tug-of-war, letting go may signify defeat, in the game of life, letting go is the ultimate power move. Instead of continuing to fight, you are finally allowing life to happen on life’s terms.
So, drop the rope.
Signify that you are not continuing to battle what you have no control over, and welcome the support of those around you. Maybe hand the rope over to someone else for a while?
When we allow ourselves to “Let go and let God (or Higher Power)” we open ourselves up to change. We allow our tired souls to rest, and can drop the burden of whatever we are carrying.
Tired of the war? Drop the rope.
Check out A Man in Recovery Radio, Monday at 7:00pm Pacific Time. The show will be located on voiceamerica.com.